Worst joke ever!
by sahdah
Summary: Bella remembers an uncomfortable lunch period from her days as a human. Before everything made sense. *Crude humor*
_Worst Joke Ever!_

…The rain was louder than usual as I made my way to the regular lunch table. Jessica looked up briefly but was more interested in what Mike was doing. Good, I really wasn't in the mood to talk. Angela smiled at me as I sat down, shaking droplets out of my hair. The rain sucked. Immediately I looked to the lunch table in the corner, and sucked in a breath. He was already there, looking at me.

My face flushed red, I hurriedly turned to Angela prepared to ask her anything. At least his eyes weren't black today. Somehow that was always better. I had noticed his sister the odd black haired one and the adopted brother who seemed to look ill were missing from the group. There were only five of them; you could always tell when someone was missing.

Uproarious laughter from Mike, Eric and Tyler, made me look their way. I caught sight of Jessica and Lauren's faces they looked upset. I also thought I saw movement from _his_ table, but when I sneaked a quick check I didn't see anything. I asked Angela what was going on.

"Oh, well they're just upset the guys laughed at what they were talking about." She smiled at Jess. "I totally get it; it was a pretty sad episode."

Ok so there were talking about TV, something I hadn't seen in a while. Charlie only had the sports packages and I never made a point to watch anyway. I forced myself to listen.

Jessica looked happy to be able to continue her story. "It wasn't just sad, it was tra-gic." She was laying it on thick with the drama. No wonder the guys were laughing. "She really loved him and just because they… you know, did _it_." She gave us this knowing look, "He lost his soul. Now they can never be together. It's almost worse than Romeo and Juliet."

I nudged Angela with my foot, when I had her attention I whispered, "Who is worse off than Romeo and Juliet?"

"Buffy and Angel," she replied looking at me like I was insulting her.

 _What?_ This definably didn't explain anything. The interior turmoil must have shown on my face but before Angela could answer, Jessica took over. I cringed preparing to the barrage that would ensue.

"Really, Bella? As in Buffy Summers the super heroin and Angel the vampire. From the hit show _Buffy the_ _Vampire Slayer_." She said this in the tone of a reverent superhero fan.

Just then Edward and his huge brother Emmett started laughing, the blond girl looked annoyed. This didn't faze Jessica who continued.

"Buffy is this super cool girl who goes around saving people from vampires in Sunnydale, California. She fell in love with Angel; who is super hot by the way." I was listening but I was also paying attention to Edward.

He wasn't looking at us and they had long since stopped laughing, his brother looked slightly bored but tense, Rosalie was definitely tense and annoyed, but Edward seemed to be listening intently to Jessica's hushed story.

I was crazy there was no way he'd be able to listen to what we were talking about the cafeteria was loud.

"Um, so what makes them all, Capulet's versus Montague's?" I asked. Jess gave me a strange look. "Romeo and Juliet." I tried not to sound petulant but it came out whiny. " How are they like Romeo and Juliet?"

"Oh, well he's a _vampire,_ with a soul and she's human _._ "

I saw Edward crush a can with his bare hand; people did that right, hmm, a _vampire?_ They guys snorted with laughter. It did seem pretty far-fetched. It was a show after all. "Oh, okay... and he lost his soul?" I was a little interested, despite myself, of course it's not like vampires existed.

Jessica quickly gave me a synopsis. I remembered girls in Phoenix talking about this show but I honestly didn't get around to watching TV. Lauren and Jessica were irritated by the end of the story because Mike, Eric and Tyler kept laughing.

"Ok, that'd be kind of weird. Imagine dating a dude that killed people…with his _mouth_!" Eric was laughing really hard, "Seriously, that'd freak out any girl kissing him."

"Yeah and besides," Mike added. "No guy's going to like some girl that goes around vaporizing his friends."

"Ugh, Mike, you're totally missing the point, Angel is good, and he has a soul." Jessica looked ticked off.

"Wait a minute. I thought you said he lost it?" That's why I had tuned in, in the first place.

"Well yeah, because they did _it_ ," Jessica gave me a look like I was the slowest person on earth.

Eric jumped all over this statement. "You mean they did it, did it; like 'bam-chicka-bam-wow' did _IT_?"

"Eric, you're such a perve. They were in love." Lauren gave Eric the evil eye.

"Sick. Gross, that'd be like doing a really old dead guy. That eats people!" Eric thought this was the best idea ever.

"You idiot, he's the undead and he's gorgeous, and he doesn't eat people, he sucks their blood" Jessica added throwing a carrot at him.

"Awwh, guys this reminds me of the most hilarious vampire joke I've ever heard." Tyler, being a guy, didn't stop to see if anyone cared to listen to his joke so he launched straight into it.

"So there's this vampire who goes into a bar sits down and asks the bar tender for a glass of hot blood."

The rest of our table gives in because there is no stopping Tyler, who is getting more animated.

"The bar tender doesn't so much as blink and slides down the glass of blood to the vampire. A second vampire enters the establishment and sits next to the first, 'Hey bar keep, glass of hot blood'. The bar tender slides a glass to the second vampire."

He is hitting his stride.

"A third vampire comes in and sits next to the first two.'Hey bar tender, glass of hot water.' The bar tender slides the glass of hot water to the last vampire, and along with the first two gives this last vamp a weird look. The last vampire puts a bloody tampon in the glass, shrugs and says 'Tea'." Tyler was laughing hysterically.

There's a split second of shocked silence and the guys erupt into grossed out laughter.

"No!" "Eewh, that's disgusting man!" "Ha ha ha" "Oh Snap!" And for reasons known only to the guys, high fives.

The reaction is mirrored by disgust and shock from Jessica, Lauren and Angela. "Tyler you're so gross" "You idiot, you're so disgusting." "Tyler!"

"Wow, Tyler, thanks. That was so funny…I forgot to laugh." I rolled my eyes at him; of course the guys didn't care. The reaction they'd gotten made the whole thing even funnier.

Across the cafeteria came the booming laugh of Emmett Cullen, his girlfriend must have really been ticked off by something because she left the cafeteria in a huge hurry. Edward though, he looked disgusted, pissed off, and amused at something. Again I got the feeling that he had been listening to our conversation.

Of course the closer Tyler had come to the punch line of his joke the louder he had gotten, all around the cafeteria people were staring at our table. This made me super uncomfortable. I excused myself from the table all this talk had grossed me out besides I needed to duck into the girl's room before next hour.

I loved and hated the fact that I sat next to Edward Cullen in Biology. It seemed he was able to stand sitting next to me now since he hadn't had an extended absence since my first day at Forks. This was a relief but it always made me nervous about having food stuck in my teeth or smelling weird and any visit from Mother Nature always intensified these nerves. Boy's had it way too easy.

I was the last to stumble into Biology, literally. I did manage to get to my seat without making a complete fool of myself. Of course he was already there, looking like a god.

"Bella," He said by way of greeting.

"Um… hey," _Um… hey?!_ I groaned internally, great line…I was always more clumsy than usual around him.

"Did you have a good lunch?"

This was so weird. He always gave me feelings of whiplash, from not talking to me, to commenting about my lunch hour. "Yeah, it was ok. The girls were talking about Buffy and Angel…" Some look in his eye's made me trail off.

"Yeah, that show on TV?"

I jumped on this statement.

"Yeah do you watch it?" Of course not, I guess his answer as he said it.

"No."

"Yeah, I don't either. I prefer to read."

"I know. You're a Jane Austen fan, right?"

What? How'd he guess that...? "Yeah, how did you know?"

He looked like he had said something he wasn't supposed to. "Sorry, lucky guess. I thought I saw you looking at it at the library. Anyway, you smell nice today."

I was dumbfounded, not only was he the most beautiful guy at school but we were talking and on one of the days I felt the worst physically he said the nicest thing. "Thanks." Just then Mr. Banner handed out the lab supplies and we were too busy to say anything more…

. . .

"Hey"

I yelped like a stray cat caught in an alley.

"Holy crow, Edward! You freaked me out." I immediately felt the chagrin sensation spread through my face and in the same second I realized there was no blood to color my face…and Edward had no idea what I was thinking. This relaxed me and my face broke into a huge grin followed by an onslaught of giggles I couldn't control.

"Bella, you ok?" Edward looked only slightly concerned. Yes, now would be a great time for him to realize he married a crazy woman. In that moment Renesmee came into the room and jumped into my arms, placed her hands on my face and showed me how I looked like laughing.

I struggled to control my laughter. "Yes, I'm ok. I just remembered something embarrassing from school, what seems like a forever ago."

"Are we allowed to know?" Edward looked interested because he had no idea what embarrassing moment I was talking about. My face must have registered the fear of telling him because he looked slightly upset. "Well that's not fair." Then mischievous, "You know secrets don't make friends."

"Ha ha, coming from the man who invades everyone's privacy." I was not going to be coerced into telling him. "I'm not telling. I'm taking this one to the grave." Of course that statement made me giggle too.

"Funny, Bella, really funny. You wait I have ways of making you talk." He did look serious, but then he smiled picked me up and kissed me in a way that still made air disappear from my lungs.

Ness looked the other way while placing hands on our faces clearly showing us her Grandpa Charlie's house. We made our way to the front door of our cottage when I remembered I had asked Alice about the Mother Nature business, she told me on those days she and Jasper always took a sick day.

This made me break out into renewed giggles and Edward looked at me inquisitively and Ness dragged us by the hands out the door. I knew Edward would make me spill the beans but for now I just enjoyed the laughter.

 _a/n: That joke still gets me. That was the whole reason I came up with this story. It was written so long ago._


End file.
